Ten days into my Continental Divide Trail thru hike attempt, I got off trail and went home. Trail didn't feel right. My head wasn't there and I was not enjoying myself. It was a tortuously difficult decision to make. I had never quit a hike before. I was wracked with shame, disappointment, and self-doubt. With my tail between my legs, I went home and tried to be hopeful about the rest of my summer.
After a week of unsuccessfully trying not to wallow, I knew that I wanted to get back on trail. I had tried to be positive and engage in life at home, but I was so unhappy. I had tried to think of the other adventures I could do: going on shorter backpacking trips, taking my first bikepacking trip, improving at rock climbing and surfing, even doing some international travel. But none of that excited me. I couldn't stop thinking about the trail, what I was missing. After a week at home, the thought of returning to trail was the only thing that drove me.
I didn't want to return to trail just to get off again, so I spent some time really thinking about my "Why." Why do I want to thru hike the CDT?
There are several reasons. I love exploring my body's limits, and pushing past them. The human body is an incredible thing, and I love seeing what mine can do. Doing long distance hiking trails is a way I can do this. I love exploring small town America on foot. Walking through a town is so much different than driving. I get to see just about the entire town, visit nearly every building, and talk to the locals. Relying on the kindness of strangers has really shown what we, the American people, despite our differences, are all about. I also love exploring our wild country. North America is truly a unique and beautiful place, with some of the most breathtaking landscapes on earth. It really would be a shame not to see it.
I also love spending time in nature. It is absolutely my happy place. I feel so connected, so grounded. Hiking among mountains, through forests, climbing over rocks, and crossing rivers. Listening to birds sing, following animal tracks, and catching lizards. That is my eden. There are moments while I'm out hiking these big trails when I lose that connection to nature, but not in the way that you'd think. I become so wholly immersed in it, so fully present in that space and time. There is nothing delineating me and nature, no bridge to cross that would require a connection. We are not two halves that perfectly fit together, but rather the same whole. I have never felt such pure joy elsewhere, and I thrive for those moments.
During my other long distance thru hikes, I had never felt like quitting. It was so obvious to me that being on trail was exactly where I was supposed to be. Even when things got hard, it was just another part of the hike that I had to do. The option to leave never crossed my mind. But out on the CDT I felt different. It was the first time I didn't want to be there. That was such a new feeling for me and it terrified me. The difficulty of trail had always been physical for me, never mental. And the mental game has always been my weakness. I played competitive volleyball when I was younger and my coach noted that as my biggest challenge. I would get wrapped up in mistakes, unable to move past them, and my game would suffer. It felt like something similar had happened out on the divide. Things got tough and I let it get to me. I didn't have that experience of pushing through that struggle of wanting to quit trail and coming out the other side. This was a first for me.
I felt like I gave up too early. Ten days on trail and that was it? I didn't give myself the opportunity to push through. I left trail before I could try. I saw an easy way out and I took it. And I paid for it with the turmoil I felt. I needed to give myself the chance to try. I need to give it all I got before I decide it's not for me.
I don't regret getting off trail. I genuinely think I needed that break to quiet my mind and better prepare myself for what the CDT offers. Plus, taking that time off actually came with several other benefits. I flew back in time to celebrate mother's day, my brother's birthday, and my cousin's wedding - all things that I would have missed had I remained on trail. I even had a chance to donate another unit of blood. This two and a half week break also provided more time for the snow in the Colorado mountains to melt. The high snow has been something I have been keeping an anxious watch on for months. If the snow makes the trail impassable for me, I either have to reroute and miss one of the most beautiful sections of this trail, or skip the section entirely and come back to do it later. Hopefully, this extra time will allow me to avoid those alternatives. I don't regret getting off trail. But I know I would have regretted staying off trail.
So I'm back, picking up right where I left off. I am excited and hopeful for what this journey will bring me, no matter what happens.
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